Some one-liners..

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
I read today that 10 out of 2 people are dyslectic......

I don't think I got the job at Microsoft....they didn't respond to my telegram.......
I was a trapeze artist.....but I was let go........

My father is schizophrenic, but he's good people.......

What's that up the road? A head?

If I repeatedly stab my cornflakes does that make me a cereal killer?
If you want a pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
Daddy, Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?

The Atheist Society is a non-prophet organization.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

A balanced diet is a chocolate cupcake in each hand.
A computer is almost human - except that it does not blame its mistakes on another computer.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. A conference is a gathering of important people who individually can't do anything but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A college professor asked his class a question. If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I.One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor your 44.." The Professor said "you're absolutely correct, but tell me how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?" The student said. "You see professor I have a brother, he's 22 and he's half nuts."

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and keep away from children.

A family came home from Church where the sermon was on Adam and Eve. The Mother noticed the boy sitting on the bed feeling his ribs.She asked what he was doing.He said, "I counted these things 3 times now. Ma ! I think I'm having a wife."